How Hard

Behind my bubbly look are difficulties, hardships and struggles that I am trying to conceal. A lot of people say, it is us who made choices in our own life. That it is up to us if we wanna live it joyfully or in any other way. But I tell you, if you’re in my shoes, you’ll really say that it’s not only you (us) who’ll make your life, because if it’s only me who’ll gonna make choices, then I’ll always choose the best option.

How can I be really happy if whenever I got home, all I can hear is my father’s struggle with his infirmity? That I am so helpless and couldn’t even alleviate his pain. I’d even rather stroll outside than seeing my family crying because of helplessness. Yes, believe it or not, I may not look or sound one, but I belong to those Filipinos living below. I’ve been so very grateful still for I got friends (Yvette, marky and augrae especially) who’re there, letting me use their PC for this blog, lending me some penny if needed and best, listening to me if I need some ears. The question is, if all of these are just trials, when will it end? I even think that it is no longer a trial but a picture of how’s life is unjust. I really hope that I could stand with all of these and not fall in despair. I got a new bestfriend, who really listen to me and makes me feel lighter, this BLOG.

Susan Boyle: She Made Me Cry

I'll be honest, I really hate crying. And if I did, I hide. I don't wanna let others see me falling down and so pathetic. This is me.

One day as I surf the net for news, a line caught my attention. The line says that someone shocked Simon Cowell. Who doesn't know Simon? American Idol? Britain's Got Talent? So I wasn't satisfied with just that line, so I really opened the link and read the whole article. And I saw an old woman, in front of the three judges, auditioning in Britain's Got Talent. Yes at first look, you'll really say that she got nothing to show. Human nature! As I watch the video clip, I was silent. I was stunned. She was so unbelievable. I became quiet. I cried. Really cried. She's so amazing. She's Susan Boyle, 47, unemployed and from a village in UK. In the video, everybody, including the judges and the hosts were shocked and almost cried. They gave her a standing ovation that she really deserve. I can see an innocence in her Susan's eyes, and her voice is so angelic that nobody will dare to criticize. I wish her the best of luck and her win she deserve. She's a living testimony that we shouldn't judge a person by appearance. But the ability and the kind of person he/she is. She'll be a mark in my mind and in my heart that no matter what people say, we should believe in our self and own ability.

watch the video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Graduation and Depression

Good day guys!

I have something to confess. Next week will be the final week for us graduating students. And it is so clear to me that I'll be marching on the isle not. At first, I thought that it'll be fine for me not to graduate on time for I'm still young and the fact that half of our batch couldn't make it, it'll be just very fine to me. So, I exerted no efforts in doing our thesis and in complying our projects. But now as the days pass as quick as thunder, I get very depressed. Seeing a lot of students bringing their togas and soon be practicing for their march, it kills me. Though I'm trying to hide this pain from my parents and to my classmates, I don't know til when I can keep it and not burst. I even got no idea how painful and depressing it is more on the supposed to be my Graduation Day. I even don't know what can I do to myself on that day. Will I hide in my room and sleep until the feeling is gone or just go out and enjoy the day even if it hurts. I know that I got no one to blame but myself. Yes, it's all my fault. I just wish that my team mates got no regret for teaming with me. I hope that I'll be sane the day where some of friends and classmates are marching on the isle and get up on the stage to receive their diplomas.

What is an "EMO" to You?

What should I feel when they call me “emo”? How should I react?
When somebody call you such, what does it mean to you? Emotional? Yes, I am. But, they’ve never seen me crying. I don’t look lonely either. Maybe because of my words?, but I believe, it is not enough. I don’t wanna be called such. I don’t know why I feel irritated and pissed whenever they label me that. Will I be angry which sometimes I am. Or just don’t mind them and not get affected at all? All I know is that even if I’m lonely, I hide it. Even if I am sad, I am not weak. And that my patience has an end.

Life is Unfair

Have you dreamt of getting rich?
I don’t wanna sound hypocrite so I admit that I am one of those who dreamed of owning vast farms, condominium units, sports car, bloated bank accounts and successful business venture. But I know that it’ll only be in my dreams. I am just a nobody who own nothing except for some piece of cheap Chinese junks. I don’t even have my own PC knowing the fact that I am taking up a computer-related course. I once own a given laptop but somebody took it away. And I can do nothing against that somebody, for that somebody is my family. What I really considered mine is my passion in writing. Sometimes I even feel like giving up my hobby in blogging for I have to walk far just to rent an internet-connected PC to satisfy the call of passion. Can you now blame me why I call life unjust? Maybe others would say that I have the shallowest reasons on why I’m calling life such. But I know that they’ll never understand me unless they’ll step into my shoes and have a taste of my miserable life. I know that I am not the poorest entity in this world, but the miseries I felt and the hardships I’ve experienced are enough for me to give up. But I must still have hope, for my family depends unto me. If I end this all, my family’s future will also come to its end.

I'm Pissed

They say that I am too emotional. They say that I am too weak. They say that I am coward. They say that I am a loser. But I am not. I may be crying but I am not too over with it. I may be sad but I am not coward, I am not weak. I take all those comments with an open mind. Thinking that they'll be over it to. But I never expected that my patience with this matter has and end. Yes I am pissed. I am annoyed. I wanna cry out. But I don't want anybody to hear this my mourn. They just don't know how victorious I am. They just don't know how brave I am. If I just have a chance to tell the world that the true loser are those people who couldn't understand me, I'll grab it as if I'm yearning for it. Yes, I wanna fit in. Who doesn't wanna fit? But fitting in means pretending to like what you really don't. Fitting comes with going with the flow even if your current is the opposite with it. When this will end?

A Beautiful Night

 Tonight is the best night I've ever witnessed. I am so astonished with how the stars arranged itself. The sky is so clear with stars glittering. The moon is so eye-captivating. The temperature is not so cold yet not irritating. The night is a picture of peace and tranquility which is the best moment to reminisce all the best moments you have in your entire life. I know you'll envy me for having this chance to witness this beautiful night. I know that my word is not enough to express how wonderful this night is. But one thing could say, you'll see the true beauty of nature at night.

pic from http://coolcosmos.ipac.caltech.edu/cosmic_kids/AskKids/images/venus_sky.jpg

At Last

It has been almost 2 years long when one of the important people in my life migrated overseas. The moment she left is very unforgettable. It was very uneasy. I was used to see her outside our door, knocking and lookin for me. But when she flew, it was very life changing. I have to adjust with what was left to me. Even if it is so shameful to admit, but I will, I cried for few days. I even talked alone. That's how we're so close. And that's how I missed her. Now that I've adjusted, she called. Yes, at last. The feeling was unexplainable. Maybe the moment that she called I'm facin in the mirror; the happiness is so hard to paint. It was indescribable. At last the communication is back again. I thought it would ease what I feel but it even worsen. I miss her even more. But what is important is she called. And I'll make sure that the communication will never be broken.

My Heart Cries

Have you ever tried crying while others are laughing that hard?

Let me share my experience in this pathetic world I have. One night after school, it has been my routine to wait for a jeepney in a café here in the city. That time I saw two kids, lying on the ground, with their bicycle loaded with trash stuffs. It was pretty obvious that they are really super tired from scavenging things to sell. Maybe that’s the only way that they could buy a pinch of bread. Very sad. I feel like my heart is forcing itself not to bleed though I really want to. What’s very irritating is that the crews of the café kept on banging something, I think they used pan, to awaken the kids. They even keep on laughing as if they looked at the kids as clown. They were very insensitive. What if they were the kids, what if they got tired, really tired, and somebody will keep on disturbing them. What would they feel? Very insensitive. If I were rich, I’ll adopt those kids and show them the right path that their parents weren’t able to do such.

Five Minutes to Midnight

It has been a very long day for me. A lot of stressing activities I've met. But still I am here. Got nothing to say. I've been thinking of things that I feel will relieve the pain, the stress, the depression that i have inside. My friends know me as a happy one. Bubbly indeed. Yes I smile a lot. But this smile is just a mask that I use to conceal the pain that I hide. I wanna fit in. Right at this moment I am listening to my favorite band, playing my favorite song. In a way, I am relieved. But the moment this song will end, I dunno if it'll still be okay. I wanna wait the time. I wanna end this post five minutes to midnight. For this time, I believe the best time to free myself from all the anxieties, worries and problems that flock my mind. I must prepare myself for another day of struggles. I must be firm!